A Life Documentary

I'm not about to pretend that I don't say or do stupid stuff all the time. My Facebook and this blog are living proof of that.

Neither am I going to pretend that I am going to stop. Ever.

Thirty seems to be an odd, interesting, exciting time in my life. I think I am finally old enough to be smart, but still young enough to be stupid...or something like that. I have finally decided that it is high time to pursue my dreams and make them a reality--to do things I've always wanted to do but just lacked the testicular fortitude to endure.

I couldn't tell you when this breakthrough happened, because it has been a gradual process. I can't tell you why this happened, because it is so multifaceted. And I won't tell you that I don't have a screw loose--because I just might.

I have always enjoyed writing, as long as I ignored the concept of deadlines (though I am getting better on that issue), and so this past year I have made an effort to write more. What I have found in that is 1) my writing has improved a little bit and I am beginning to write more confidently and consistently in what teachers/instructors/professors have called my "unique writing voice", 2) I am maturing (sort of), changing and coming into my own as a person (even though I was led to believe this was supposed to happen earlier in life), and 3) I am reading more of what other people write and it excites me and makes me wonder if I can have that same impact on a reader.

So here I am, writing about my life and experiences for others to read and maybe take something away from.

While I am in Alaska this summer, I do not know if I will be able to post, but i am leaning towards "most likely not". I will, however, be writing a lot when I have the time an energy to do so and my life is not being sucked away by saltwater and salmon. I may even write my posts in letters and have someone else post for me. My primary (and only?) form of contact with the outside would will be through handwritten letters, so when I have the address all of my fan and hate mail should be sent to, I will keep you apprised by posting it here, on my blog.

It is now 3am, so I think I will try to catch some sleep...my schedule has been a bit funny since I was deathly ill on Saturday and slept all day, followed by a strange day Sunday and then starting Sunday night on an 11pm-3am shift for a few days in a row....

Oh, and if you read my blog, share it with friends.

Fear and Discouragement

I am excited about going to Alaska, don't get me wrong, but where the excitement and reality meet is where I am finding a little bit of fear and discouragement.

I leave for Alaska in just about two months. Currently work is slow and I am collecting unemployment, which is a LOT less money than I make when I am working. I have bills stacking up that I need to take care of before I leave, I have to buy all my rain gear, boots, and commercial crewman fishing license before I go...

I find myself in a particularly strange place of complete and total reliance on God. I have little control over how much money I am making right now, and after running the numbers a few times over, I find that I am in a much tighter financial circumstance than anyone in their right mind would want to be before heading all the way across the country to work for six months at a job that will not pay anything until the contract term is over.

Fear and discouragement are creeping in, yet, by leaning on God and trusting Him, there is an almost disconcerting amount of peace that I am feeling in the midst of it. I was praying for this job and the experience it will bring me, if that is what God wanted... and it is what I have--along with a few challenges and faith.

"Please find attached a contract to work... from May 2nd through October 7th, 159 days."

After decades of dreaming, years of yearning... eh.. forget the alliteration.

I applied to work in Alaska for the summer at the end of December and after a little over a month, I got offered a contract on February 8th.

Whoot! the dream is becoming a reality!

Now all I need to do is sell over half the stuff I own, find some (hopefully) temporary housing for my dog, fly to Alaska, and start work--all in two month's time.

YIKES!

i've been doing a lot of thinking recently... and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. in fact, WAY too much to write about right here, right now.

i will say this, however:

one of the big things i've been thinking about and trying to wrap my head around is the concept of "what is the responsible thing to do?". i think for years now, i have been "playing it safe" under the guise of "being responsible". that, in itself, seems to me to be irresponsible. i believe, in many cases, following one's dreams and desires is the more responsible thing to do.

a friend said this to me the other day:

"I am a firm believer in the idea that if you work hard, do things for yourself, follow your dreams (no matter how crazy they may seem to others), and make your priority over all other things feeling content with yourself, that all will fall into place. Sometimes it sucks, and patience is a word to loathe, but at the end of the day life is in your hands and dependent on the decisions and risks you are willing to take. Moral of the story (and I am well aware that this sounds cheesy as hell)... if you want to go to Alaska, go to Alaska. If you want to climb in all 50 states, climb in all 50 states. If you want to finish school, finish school. If you want to switch jobs, switch jobs. Its hard, incredibly hard, to break out of the familiar... but the world is huge and every corner of it is worth exploring because you never know what (a job, a person, a moment, a vista...) you might find."

--ep

does this seem like a re-hash of theme of previous posts, or is it a theme that is emerging...? in any case, i might have to investigate this further and write more about it, because i do not think i am the only one plagued by this type of situation and dilemma.

-----------------------

*edit*

yeah, i should also mention that i am going to be laying down a big chunk of change this year to get my Wilderness First Responder certification (a step up from Wilderness First Aid) and i also am going to be applying to work as a fisherman in Alaska for NEXT summer and i will be saving up a huge amount of money between now and then so i can be sure that if i am hired i can go...