Alaska (chapter 3, the chapter before intermission)

I pulled the plug.

I hate that.

After a temporary layoff from carpentry in the late fall, I knew things were going to be tight financially to be able to afford a ticket to Alaska and keep my finances in order at home in my absence. I just got another temporary layoff again which pretty much blows my financing of my personal adventure out of the water. Sure, I could skip town and not pay my bills for a few months and then catch up when I got back, but I have spent most of my mid- and late-20's getting out of the financial hole I dug for myself in my early 20's, and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize the progress that I have made, not to mention the effect it would have on other people as well.

So, I am not going to Alaska this summer to work as a commercial salmon setnetter. =c(

There are other factors behind my decision other than financial. My Grandfather is getting up in years, and I want to be able to spend as much time with him as possible; my cousin is getting married this summer; I just signed a year long apartment lease (which kind of fits into the financial category as well); I've still got a ton of boxes and stuff to sort through and throw out from YEARS of being a pack rat.

Looking at all these reasons as I type them, they all seem like excuses. Maybe they are excuses, but at the same time, they are all valid reasons. I thought and prayed hard about this, and it is painful for me to have to pull the plug on myself. Hopefully, I can apply again next year, and possibly get hired. In the meantime, I am going to work on my photography skills, my writing skills, take some more classes and keep working toward my degree, renew my Wilderness First Aid certification (and possibly pursue Wilderness First Responder or even Wilderness EMT), go skiing, rock climbing, backpacking, hiking, swimming, kayaking, etc., all while planning and saving for Alaska in 2011.

I feel like I rushed myself into it this year. I knew, and know, it is something I want to do, but I feel ill-prepared for the venture at this point, financially, as I mentioned, as well as getting other things in my life in order.

Like I said though, in the meantime I am going to live for my normal pursuits and adventures. If you want to join me, or want me to join you, feel free to ask.

weather appropriate poetry

written march 2007 in response to something that someone else wrote....:


it is snowing again tonight. as i watch the flakes drift softly down towards the ground, occasionally interrupted by a gust of wind, i am reminded of you. i see the sparkle of your eyes in every flake that catches at least the slightest edge of light and reflects it back into my eyes.

the softness with which it lays--white and delicate--on the ground reminds me of the softness of your skin. it reminds me of the places on your back and arms and legs which the sun has not seen for at least many months.

the quietness makes my head and heart swell with visions of sitting with you; quiet and close. not saying a word to each other not because we are angry, or cannot communicate, but because we do not need to speak to enjoy each other. to enjoy the company of a dear friend who has become so much more is perhaps the greatest pleasure and aspiration life has to offer.

and the cold should not bother me much as long as i have you by my side. there is a warmth emanating from the depths of your soul, the apex of which i wish both to be able to stand upon and also never to find.

and beauty. oh, if only you could have the vision of my eyes for just one moment as i look at you. you are most beautiful. you beauty enraptures and encompasses all of my senses until i am completely spent and all i can touch, see, smell, taste, and breathe, is you. it is both debilitating and strengthening--holding me suspended in mid-air as if i were floating--no! flying! because to float would be too idle a task after an encounter of your beauty.