a sudden realization

I am 29 years old.

Twenty-nine.

For the first time that I can remember in my life, I no longer have an overwhelming urge and drive to find a wife and 'settle down' and get married and have kids.

I have had that desire as far bask as I can remember--since nursery school. Part of me feels like I somehow just gave up without letting myself know, but I know that is not the case. I have slowly realized this over the past week. I do not know when, exactly, this change occurred, but the slow realization over the past week became a sudden realization tonight.

For sure, I still have the desire to start a family. I believe that it is a strong part of me, but now it is not a main drive. It seems to me like I should feel lost without this, but I do not. I feel strangely at peace, and I even question my desire to have my own children someday. I do not know if I feel that it is necessary in my life.

To some of you, this will be a great shock. I know it is to me.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in anybody. I am. But we are not together, and it doesn't seem like we will be anytime soon, if ever at all.

I do not know what this means. Not in the least bit. Maybe somewhere inside of me, I finally surrendered it to God completely. Maybe I am just tired of the major hurt from the two relationships that I thought for SURE would result in marriage. Maybe I am learning patience in waiting. Maybe I have given up. There is no test for this; no scientific method to test what the reason is.

I think, in part, it might be that I am relearning what love is. Not just romantic love either. All love. I have been forced, by things out of my control, to rearrange the ways that I think and feel about certain individuals. I have forced myself to rearrange the way I feel about certain individuals.

I know that this is not just a short, passing phase. It is here to stay for a while. It might even stay until it is clear to me who I will marry, of if I will marry. Again--the desire is still there, it is just not as huge and driving as it has been. It is like the difference between a shadow on a full sunny day and an overcast day with very low light; the shadow is still there, it is just faint and blends in with the other shadows and the light.

Here's to peace, love, and healing.