I am 29 years old.
Twenty-nine.
For the first time that I can remember in my life, I no longer have an overwhelming urge and drive to find a wife and 'settle down' and get married and have kids.
I have had that desire as far bask as I can remember--since nursery school. Part of me feels like I somehow just gave up without letting myself know, but I know that is not the case. I have slowly realized this over the past week. I do not know when, exactly, this change occurred, but the slow realization over the past week became a sudden realization tonight.
For sure, I still have the desire to start a family. I believe that it is a strong part of me, but now it is not a main drive. It seems to me like I should feel lost without this, but I do not. I feel strangely at peace, and I even question my desire to have my own children someday. I do not know if I feel that it is necessary in my life.
To some of you, this will be a great shock. I know it is to me.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in anybody. I am. But we are not together, and it doesn't seem like we will be anytime soon, if ever at all.
I do not know what this means. Not in the least bit. Maybe somewhere inside of me, I finally surrendered it to God completely. Maybe I am just tired of the major hurt from the two relationships that I thought for SURE would result in marriage. Maybe I am learning patience in waiting. Maybe I have given up. There is no test for this; no scientific method to test what the reason is.
I think, in part, it might be that I am relearning what love is. Not just romantic love either. All love. I have been forced, by things out of my control, to rearrange the ways that I think and feel about certain individuals. I have forced myself to rearrange the way I feel about certain individuals.
I know that this is not just a short, passing phase. It is here to stay for a while. It might even stay until it is clear to me who I will marry, of if I will marry. Again--the desire is still there, it is just not as huge and driving as it has been. It is like the difference between a shadow on a full sunny day and an overcast day with very low light; the shadow is still there, it is just faint and blends in with the other shadows and the light.
Here's to peace, love, and healing.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
what do you do with a kayak that doesn't belong to you when you are about to move?
So, the other night when I was walking my dog, two young boys (mid teens?) were
carrying a kayak down the street, which seemed suspicious to me,
especially at that late hour. As I got closer to them, one of the
boys asked me if I wanted to buy a 'canoe'. Assuming it was stolen, I
pretended to get angry and said it was my kayak and I was walking
around the neighborhood looking for it. My pretend anger and large
dog must have been enough persuasion for the boys, because they
dropped the kayak and ran off. I carried it back to my place (only a few blocks), where
it is in safe storage, locked up.
Now, The question is what to do with this kayak. I posted to the neighborhood listserv, and got a few responses commending me for the action I took, but no one has claimed it yet. The problem is that I am also moving, and I really don't think that I have the room to store this stranger's kayak while I wait for them to respond. And what happens if I get no response? Do i keep it? Can I keep it?
What would you do with a kayak that does not belong to you when you are about to move?
carrying a kayak down the street, which seemed suspicious to me,
especially at that late hour. As I got closer to them, one of the
boys asked me if I wanted to buy a 'canoe'. Assuming it was stolen, I
pretended to get angry and said it was my kayak and I was walking
around the neighborhood looking for it. My pretend anger and large
dog must have been enough persuasion for the boys, because they
dropped the kayak and ran off. I carried it back to my place (only a few blocks), where
it is in safe storage, locked up.
Now, The question is what to do with this kayak. I posted to the neighborhood listserv, and got a few responses commending me for the action I took, but no one has claimed it yet. The problem is that I am also moving, and I really don't think that I have the room to store this stranger's kayak while I wait for them to respond. And what happens if I get no response? Do i keep it? Can I keep it?
What would you do with a kayak that does not belong to you when you are about to move?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
am i narcissistic?
this is a good question to ask oneself when you find that you are constantly blogging, thinking about blogging, and posting to twitter and facebook.
i do not find my life to be overly interesting or stimulating, which is perhaps one of the reasons that i post so much--to make it seem like i am more interesting that i am. not to others of course, but to myself. i mean, how else am i going to chronicle my ideas and life, other than in a paper journal with a pen. a paper and pen are so 20th century. this is the 21 century.
i like writing (unless it is for a school assignment, then i avoid it like the plague). i am a bit of a lyricist and i enjoy manipulating the english language within a written piece of work, whether it be an essay, short story, blog post, or the tight character count confines of a tweet (twitter) or status update (facebook).
so what is the definition of narcissism? lets ask http://dictionary.com:
nar⋅cis⋅sism
–noun
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2. Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
hmmm... it would seem that i might be narcissistic. crap. though it does say "inordinate"... i'm pretty awesome, so is it really inordinate?
just something that i've been thinking about this week and today.. i mean, as i am driving down the road i think of things randomly and say to myself "that would make an awesome status update!".
that's something for me to think about as i change my guitar strings and plan my next blog post.
i do not find my life to be overly interesting or stimulating, which is perhaps one of the reasons that i post so much--to make it seem like i am more interesting that i am. not to others of course, but to myself. i mean, how else am i going to chronicle my ideas and life, other than in a paper journal with a pen. a paper and pen are so 20th century. this is the 21 century.
i like writing (unless it is for a school assignment, then i avoid it like the plague). i am a bit of a lyricist and i enjoy manipulating the english language within a written piece of work, whether it be an essay, short story, blog post, or the tight character count confines of a tweet (twitter) or status update (facebook).
so what is the definition of narcissism? lets ask http://dictionary.com:
nar⋅cis⋅sism
–noun
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2. Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
hmmm... it would seem that i might be narcissistic. crap. though it does say "inordinate"... i'm pretty awesome, so is it really inordinate?
just something that i've been thinking about this week and today.. i mean, as i am driving down the road i think of things randomly and say to myself "that would make an awesome status update!".
that's something for me to think about as i change my guitar strings and plan my next blog post.
i am a gearhead
So.. it is no great secret that I work at REI here in the southside works. It is a GREAT place to work (i've been there 3 1/2 years part time... I'd have left by now if it was "typical retail")
One downside to working at REI is that I think I spend more money there because I work there, than if I did not. However, that may not be the case, because I am a gearhead, or a recovering gearhead, or a gearhead that lapses in recovery, or....something.
I like outdoor gear. It is cool. It is interesting. Some things serve one purpose, some serve more. But it costs money. Lots and lots of money.
Really this post has not much of a point, other than to point you in the direction of a resource for information that I use.
One downside to working at REI is that I think I spend more money there because I work there, than if I did not. However, that may not be the case, because I am a gearhead, or a recovering gearhead, or a gearhead that lapses in recovery, or....something.
I like outdoor gear. It is cool. It is interesting. Some things serve one purpose, some serve more. But it costs money. Lots and lots of money.
Really this post has not much of a point, other than to point you in the direction of a resource for information that I use.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sleep besets these weary eyes (and shackles them in a prison)
This morning, I heard my alarm clock going off. I shut it off, got out of bed, and fed my dog. I was feeling a bit tired and dizzy, so I went to lay down again for a few minutes. As I laid down and picked up my cellphone to reset my alarm, I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, the sun was shining bright outside my window and I had 8 missed calls from work. I completely missed eating any breakfast or lunch--it was now the afternoon.
WTF?! I mean, I've done this before intentionally, where i have just slept all day to try to catch up on some sleep, but it has never occurred accidentally, on a workday. I didn't go to bed excessively late or anything of that sort.
Calling my boss, I was a bit nervous. I've only had this job for 2 months. He was apparently in at least a semi-good mood. I told him what happened, and he said "Well, at least you will be well rested for tomorrow. See you in the morning."
Phew! That's a relief.
Now, since I decided to go to the movies last night instead of cleaning and straightening, and since I missed a day of work due to unconsciousness, maybe I should spend some time straightening and cleaning and consolidating all of my stuff this afternoon....
WTF?! I mean, I've done this before intentionally, where i have just slept all day to try to catch up on some sleep, but it has never occurred accidentally, on a workday. I didn't go to bed excessively late or anything of that sort.
Calling my boss, I was a bit nervous. I've only had this job for 2 months. He was apparently in at least a semi-good mood. I told him what happened, and he said "Well, at least you will be well rested for tomorrow. See you in the morning."
Phew! That's a relief.
Now, since I decided to go to the movies last night instead of cleaning and straightening, and since I missed a day of work due to unconsciousness, maybe I should spend some time straightening and cleaning and consolidating all of my stuff this afternoon....
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
goals for the next 12 months or so
So, as I cannot sleep right now, I have decided to write down goals that I have for the next 12 months or so. Hopefully this will keep them from bouncing around my head too much right now.
Right now that is all I can think of off of the top of my head... I might be back down to write more if i still can't sleep. These are definately goals for the next 12 months... maybe the next 10 months... before my 30th birthday. We shall see.
- Climb a BIG wall.. multi-pitch ascent type stuff.
- Ski AND snowboard some black diamonds out east here--without dying-- and maybe hit some powder out west.
- Whitewater kayak
- Move somewhere else for a while.. Schuylkill Haven, Black Mountain/Asheville, Seattle....???
- Work on a fishing boat in Alaska??? (I have a solid contact... I've just gotta follow though to see if it would actually work out)
- Ride my bike at least 20 miles a week. I haven't ridden in over 2 months. :(
- Rollerblade at least 5 miles a week.
- Go to yoga classes more regularly... I haven't been in a while, and I recognize that my body felt the best it ever has when I was going to yoga.
- Slackline whenever I have a chance. It is sooooo good and fun and really helps with balance and strengthening core and stabilizer muscles.
- Lose another 10-20 lbs of fat and replace it with muscle.
- Travel somewhere by train.
- Polish up my songs and record them and put out an album (I am a procrastinator... I have some done, but many others not)
- Learn how to cook healthy meals for one person. It is hard to cook for yourself when you are single without having a lot of leftovers.
- Get COMPLETELY out of debt (yes, it is completely possible)
Right now that is all I can think of off of the top of my head... I might be back down to write more if i still can't sleep. These are definately goals for the next 12 months... maybe the next 10 months... before my 30th birthday. We shall see.
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